“Don’t ask her, you’re not good enough”
The ‘encouraging’ thought welled up in my mind.
I was watching my crush during recess. I assumed of approaching her. My internal advisor advised against, and that I listened. ‘Lucky….’
My mind had played a defensive script. I had more of those internal dialogues: ‘Just hang low, don’t attract an excessive amount of attention.’ ‘I am just the quiet guy’ ‘Why are they watching me like i’m a weirdo?’
These self-deprecating thoughts dictated my mind. Somehow i assumed i used to be a loser.
So that’s how I acted.
I didn’t dare do anything beyond my (perceived) capacities or status. I couldn’t even get up for myself. whenever my bullies threw me within the garbage, I poorly objected.
After an arduous highschool journey, college finally arrived.
I vowed to form a clean slate. this point i might be popular! So, I impulsively joined a fraternity to catch up on my anxiety. Then i might be cool! Right?
Nope, I just started acting sort of a dick.
For an extended time I mistook my misplaced arrogance, which of my pledge brothers, for real confidence. i assumed we were cool guys. But it had been all vain status play. I used to be still being pushed around. By peers and my inner critic. To feel good, I indulged within the theatre of cockiness – putting people right down to feel good. Not my proudest moments…
Strange how you act so counter-productive when feeling insecure.
After I used to be left heartbroken by my girlfriend, I hit emotional the lowest. Something snapped.
What the fuck had I been doing? I couldn’t undergo life from misery to misery. Faking who i used to be, to possess some intermittent highlight of joy. My circumstances should allow me to feel confident? Why wasn’t I ever feeling that way?
It was due time to urge my shit together.
Two years later.
One of my (truly) ally sits next to me. We are both a touch drunk and bantering away. He suddenly proclaims “You know most of your douchy frat brothers search to you.” “Why?” I ask astounded. “Because you’re always relaxed and assured. you’re not swayed by what people say or believe you.” “What? Are you kidding me? But I’m just a few nerdy guys?”
Only then it dawned on me.
I wasn’t a touch pushover anymore. Somehow had I become confident. Besides I wasn’t acting sort of a dick anymore. Instead I used to be helping people due to my confidence. How did that happen?
Was I richer? Nope! Better looking? Definitely not. More intelligent? Me no!!
Somewhere along the way I had discarded my misguided programming. Replacing it with constructive thinking patterns.
When I reached my low point years back. I vowed to enhance myself. Immersing myself in motivational speeches and devouring self-help books. I knew that the positive words would abrade on my conscious and subconscious.
I started applying advices and mindsets. employing a growth mindset and most of all – I started taking action!
I am convinced anyone can grow to become confident. You can also gain mature and sustainable self-confidence. But it does mean a mental shift from the traditional.
Are you up to the challenge? Sure, you are!
Time to require control.
Time to discard a lifetime of limiting thoughts. Thoughts induced by fraudulent advertising, faulty upbringing and faux peers. Embrace the proper way of thinking to be confident.
Let me introduce you to the essential confident mental models that helped me. With them I grew to someone I’m pleased with. Rethink yourself and your home within the world.
I give this recommendation because the planet would be far better if we all were more confident. We might stop mitigating our anxieties and insecurities through destructive behavior. Instead you’ll use that confidence to support yourself, friends and strangers.
Let’s get started:
10 Essential Principles to Be Unbelievably Confident
#1 – Be honest about your life and accept who you’re
Listen up, maggots. You’re not special. you’re not a gorgeous or unique snowflake. You’re an equivalent decaying organic matter as everything else. – Tyler Durden
Let’s start from scratch.
Be brutally honest about where you’re in life. Know it, feel it! Be honest about it to yourself. Stop denying and hiding from truths. What you deny, you can’t change.
Hard to grasp? Sit down and write it out.
I am a 28 year old guy during a shit job, eager to travel the planet. But can’t find the center to chop some ties.
Your turn! The harder it’s, the more you would like to confront yourself.
Secondly – accept who you’re.
You have strengths and weaknesses. And hey, you’ll improve them.
But not until you embrace who you’re. Accept yourself as you’re immediately, with all of your flaws and shortcomings. Find contentment in it. Because there’s simply no other reality.
Through this utter acceptance you’ll you grow.
#2 Define your own values and framework
To grow confident you would like to prevent chasing illusions. Stop comparing yourself to what others demand of you. Or worse, what you think that they expect from you.
Start by defining your own values. what’s important to you? Why is it important? Start acting by these values.
Make a radical analysis when defining your values. Make it profound.
Ask yourself: What implies my culture? And why? Do I agree? What did my parents teach me? Do I agree? And why? then on. Get to rock bottom of your thoughts and feelings.
Through reading, discussing and reflecting you’ll develop your set of standards and values. Use your own instinct, feelings and reasoning!
Recognize influence from social psychology. So you won’t blindly follow the herd. Thinking for yourself means creating or choosing your own path in life.
Explore many sources to hone your thought and values. Read books and blogs. Have discussions and conversations. But always be critical and keep your wit.
Confident men and ladies define others by their standards. Not themselves by other people’s standards.
Create and follow your own moral compass.
#3 Go from outer regard to inner reference
There is definite proof that social media makes people feel bad. Why has he numerous likes? Why is she getting to cool parties etc.?
You might display similar behavior within the world. Why is he richer? Happier? Or more successful?
Strange how we make these unfair comparisons. We take a glance at appearances then compare it to how we feel inside.
We compare our inner-self, to the highly curated image of other people’s outer self.
A good recipe for misery.
Stop this unfair equation. Instead specialise in yourself. To develop, believe how you create progress compared to your old self. Did I do better than the me of a month ago? Or a year ago? Did you create progress? that’s success!
Progress of self is vital for confidence.
And who is liable for this confidence?
Who is liable for success? And who for your failures? Where does one think control lies?
Confident people think it lies within themselves. they need cultivated an inner locus of control.
This means taking responsibility for your actions and results. You think that that you’re liable for how you are feeling and what you think.
Compare this to blaming everything on external actors. Like your boss, parents, the weather, or divine will. If you don’t think you’re responsible, you won’t be inclined to enhance.
Making yourself responsible will.
Granted, some things definitely are out of your control. But you’re liable for your reactions to those events.
#4 Adapt a growth mindset
As mentioned, developing and confidence go hand in hand. to face still is to travel backwards.
A fatal flaw people are vulnerable to, is thinking their skills and character are set in stone. This deterministic mindset is incompatible with progress. It’s a limiting self-fulfilling prophecy.
If this is often you, start adopting a growth mindset instead.
Know you’ll improve any skill! Know you’ll develop your character!
As long as you’re alive, your body and mind can adapt to new challenges. Never think you can’t grow any longer.
Furthermore, a healthy growth mindset acknowledges failure.
There is tons of sketching before you draw a Mona Lisa. Redefine failure not as something stupid or dumb just for losers. But define it as a neighbourhood of the training process.
Failures will occur. Anticipate the impact and plan for getting back up!
Every failure is another lesson learned.
#5 Stop seeking validation and acceptance from others
As an individual led by inner values you won’t need attention, validation and acceptance of others.
You might catch on. You would possibly even enjoy it.
But you don’t need it!
Stop actively seeking and craving it. Stop pleasing people to urge it.
You can be nice to people! Of course! But it should come from an edge of strength and compassion. Not from seeking acceptance and a spotlight. Your own acceptance and moral integrity are the foremost important. Others can follow if they need.
If you condone behavior opposite to your values, or divulge status to be accepted. You act without integrity. Losing confidence within the process.
Instead, stand by your values!
#6 Cultivate a Bias for the Positive
People have this amazing power to make a decision how they feel about events. Small pause between stimuli and reaction. As mentioned by Victor Frankl.
Cultivate this tiny pause. And use it to settle on a more positive reaction.
Guide your responses faraway from annoyance, anger or fear. Go instead for interest, gratefulness or excitement.
You can actively rephrase your thought patterns. Train alternative ways of thinking and speaking.
Examples of redefining your view on the planet are:
– Think in solutions rather than problems
– Reflect on past achievements rather than past transgressions.
– Enjoy the method rather than only seeing the goal.
– Never let an honest crisis attend waste
– specialise in what you would like rather than what you avoid
Of course there’ll always be old negative thinking patterns. Try using them as little as possible and actively immerse your mind with positivity.
Read uplifting books. Use mantra’s to rewire your brain. abandoning of toxic people and environments and embrace uplifting ones.
All little steps to be more optimistic and assured .
“Sow an idea and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a personality ; sow a character and you reap a destiny.” – Frank Outlaw